Fight, Flight, Freeze… and Fawn: Understanding Nervous System Responses in Kids (In Music Therapy and at Home)

Caregivers often come to us worried about behavior: Big reactions, shutdowns, avoidance, or constant people-pleasing. What we see again and again, both in music therapy sessions and at home, is that these behaviors are not choices. They are survival responses from a dysregulated nervous system. Understanding this nuance doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it explains it, and gives us clues into how to help.

Dysregulation is normal. It can be heightened by trauma, and it can also be shaped by neurodiverse needs that make everyday environments feel overwhelming or unpredictable. When a child is feeling dysregulated, meaningful progress is limited.

As we understand behavior through this neurological lens, our responses can shift from control to support. As music therapists, and as caregivers, we have many tools to help support regulation, including our presence, predictable expectations, boundaries, the environment, and of course music itself.

Fight: When Big Feelings Come Out Big

What it can look like: Hitting, kicking, yelling, throwing objects, pushing limits.

What’s happening underneath: The nervous system believes it needs to push back to stay safe. The child may feel cornered, overwhelmed, or out of control.

What helps: Safety comes first. Reducing demands, limiting verbal input, and maintaining calm, predictable boundaries are key.

Flight: When Avoidance Feels Safer

What it can look like: Running away, leaving the room, refusing to participate, joking or distracting to avoid tasks.

What’s happening underneath: The nervous system is signaling, “This is too much.” Escape feels like the safest option.

What helps: Lowering pressure and breaking experiences into smaller, more manageable steps can reduce overwhelm.

Freeze: When Everything Shuts Down

What it can look like: Zoning out, staring, becoming very still, not responding when spoken to.

What’s happening underneath: When fight or flight don’t feel possible, the nervous system shuts down.

What helps: Gentle sensory input, predictable routines, and patience are essential. 

Fawn: When Pleasing Becomes Protection

What it can look like: Excessive people-pleasing, over-apologizing, agreeing even when uncomfortable, difficulty expressing preferences.

What’s happening underneath: The child has learned that staying safe means staying agreeable.

What helps: Creating space for choice and authentic expression matters.

Regulation Comes Before Progress

Fight, flight, freeze, and fawn are all signals of a nervous system that does not yet feel safe. We cannot make progress until regulation and safety are established.

In music therapy, we focus first on connection, predictability, and co-regulation (with both the therapist and the music). Once a child feels supported and regulated, learning, grounded communication, and emotional growth become possible.